Out Loud

Starting tomorrow, I'll be blogging with a new host.  I acknowledge that getting used to a new blog might be frustrating for some of you, but it's a necessary change for me.  I'm going to invite you to the new blog, but if you don't get an invite (by accident), just email me and I'll make sure that you get an invite from Blogger, my new host.

The new blog is also private, but the signing in process is easier and more obvious. 

After you're on the new site, you should bookmark the new site and delete the bookmark to this one to eliminate confusion.

Talk to you on blogger.

One year ago today we woke up in our home on a Sunday that just so happened to be Mother's Day.  Sammy slept through the night and we were all feeling rested and ready to begin our new life together.  Our first picture at home is below.

We went to brunch nearby and just hung out at home...getting to know eachother all day.  It was so exciting to be celebrating my first Mother's Day.  We were so filled with joy.  Looking back, I realize that this was the happiest day of my life so far...it was truly amazing.

So this ends my recounting of our journey to become Sammy's parents.  Thanks for coming down memory lane with me! :) 

P5140084

I posted yesterday, but it apparently didn't save...so here's a re-cap of what I wrote.

One year ago yesterday, we woke up in Addis on a Friday and realized that it would be our last morning in Addis.  We enjoyed the broadcast prayers from the nearby Orthodox church...and started packing. 

Later in the day we received Ethiopian cooking lessons and took part in the traditional coffee ceremony.

That evening, our things were packed (including Gerry the Giraffe) and Nick, Sammy and I headed to the office to get our visas and Sammy's Lifebook.  Asnake, the program director, talked about "Liranso, the Celebrity." 

We piled in the van and headed to the airport.  It was dark when we arrived and it was rather hectic trying to get all of our luggage to the airport with baby in tow.  I had Sammy in the frontpack, but didn't have his head covered (to protect him from the "evil eye") and the first car that drove by stopped suddenly and told me to cover his head! 

We eventually boarded the plane.  Up until this point we had never heard Sammy cry and I was secretly worried that he had TB because of his congestion, coughing and definitely suspect lack of crying.  Luckily for me...the plane ride would quickly assuage my fears.  Sammy screamed from the moment we took off until we landed in the U.S. almost 24 hours later.  Yes, he might cat nap out of sheer exhaustion for 10 minutes here or there, but for the most part...he screamed.  I have NEVER been so exhausted.  It was, quite literally, the flight from hell.

We arrived in the U.S. (picture below of Sammy looking out the plane window once touching down in San Francisco) and the crying stopped.  We were so excited to get off of the #$%^ plane to begin our real lives.  Our entire family was waiting on the other end of the security lines and we were so excited to show off our new arrival.  Sammy puked twice from the time we exited the plane until we met our family, so I was out of outfits and everyone got to meet him, resplendent in his pukey glory. 

Our homecoming was warm, loving and exciting.  We got into the car and headed home.  We arrived home and saw that our yard had been decorated with "It's a Boy" signs...so cute.  We were all worn out and Sammy and I went to bed when we got home at about 6pm.  Sammy slept through the night...which is the best gift he ever could have given me for Mother's Day!

One year ago today we woke up (having woken up several time that night to feed our little Sammy) on a Thursday and listened to the prayers broadcast by the nearby Orthodox church. 

We hung out around the guesthouse that day and just got to know eachother.  I was upstairs with Ashley, Nick, and Sammy when I heard my Mom scream "fire" from downstairs.  I jumped up, pushed Ashley and Nick out of my way, ran down the stairs, past the small fire in into the courtyard with my precious cargo in tow.  The TV had sparked a small fire and I wouldn't go back inside for several hours (I mean, the pressure of having to keep Sammy safe is a HUGE responsibility!). :)

We would be leaving on Friday.  More about that tomorrow.

One year ago today was a Wednesday and we woke up knowing that today, we would finally have full physical custody of our son.  We went to a Museum of Ethiopia's many cultures at the University in Addis (we didn't see Lucy b/c she was on tour in the U.S.--go figure) and then went shopping.  I bought 18 gifts for every one of Sammy's birthdays until he's an adult and some fantastic jewelery for myself. 

Then, we headed to the orphanage to participate in the Farewell Ceremony and to bring Liranso home to the guesthouse for the first time.  The nannies LOVED Liranso and I dreaded the ceremony...at once grateful that they had such an amazing opportunity to say goodbye to him and scared to think of the raw emotion that would inevitably accompany this goodbye. 

We lined up around the room and the nannies brought the babies out wearing their traditional ethiopian outfits for the special occassion (handmade for the babies by the nannies).  The farewell ceremony is attended by all of the toddlers and older children of the orphanage and is very exciting for them as they say goodbye to their friends, realizing that their friends are going "home" with their new parents.  When these older children are the ones leaving, they feel very special and revel in the what is most likely the first party that's ever been thrown in their honor. 

The nannies handed Liranso to us and we hugged.  Keep in mind that Liranso's favorite nanny couldn't be there, but that she had come in during both of her days off that week just to spend a little more time with her favorite little guy.  The nannies were emotional...as were the new parents!  The Social Worker then walked us through the ceremony.  First she explained how the Ethiopians are a  proud people and that they ask that we raise our new children to be proud of their roots.  She also told the children that they were loved intensely while at the orphanage and that they would be missed.  They then handed out homemade cards from the nannies where they could tell the babies how much they would be missed.  Then the parents were offered a chance to say what they needed to...it was a very special moment.

We were then led to a large green wall.  We dipped the children's hands in yellow paint and they left their handprint on the wall so that they know that they will never be forgotten.  Oh my goodness...emotions were raw!  Then we circled up for prayer (the adults and the children leaving that day) where the doctor prayed in Amharic for the children and one of the men in our group (a Pastor) prayed in English.  It was very moving...and very apparent that the staff of CHSFS hates to lose the children...despite the fact that they know that they will be loved in their families.

After that, they brought out the cake and soda (this is another reason that the children LOVE and LOOK FORWARD to this ceremony each Wendesday and we celebrate our first meal as a family!

We piled back into the van and headed home to the guesthouse for our first night as a family.  We bathed him, fed him rice cereal, gave him his bottled and put him down to bed.  He played by himself in his portacrib for a while and fell asleep without a peep...keep in mind that we NEVER even heard him cry until we were on the plane, so he always made us feel like rock star parents! :)  The pictures of our first night together are below.

IMG_1851

One year ago today was a Tuesday and was our day to gain official permission to bring Sammy home from the U.S. embassy in Addis.  We hung out with Sammy for a while, then loaded in the van and went to the U.S. embassy.  There aren't really any lanes or traffic signals/signs in Addis, so the best way to describe the driving situation there is to compare it to a video game where you have to dart between traffic to reach the other side of the road (like George's famous video game in Seinfeld).  Sammy was on our lap (there are no car seats) and wide-eyed as he had spent almost no time outside of his little room in his entire life. 

Once we arrived, we were seated with a ton of other adoptive parents and even more Ethiopians looking to come to the US and trying to get their Visas.  It felt really crappy because the Ethiopians sit there for an indeterminate amount of time hoping that their number will be called while we sat for a few minutes and were sent inside for our visit.  We went through a lot of security and were eventually sent to the waiting room downstairs.  I dressed Sammy in his first American outfit (I only did this because he was wearing several pink items...the nannies are indiscriminate in their dressing options) and fed him one of his first bottles.  He really liked the bottle and sucked it down pretty fast.  I felt really victorious in my skills as a Mother! 

We were then called upstairs to wait in another waiting room and Sammy threw up all of the 8 oz. of milk over my shoulder!  I was rather startled and we tried to clean it up, but the Embassy guard told us to get moving...so we just left his mark all over the embassy staircase.  :)

We waited upstairs (just Nick, Sammy and myself) until our name was called and the CHSFS social worker (Martha) led us to the correct window.  The American lady behind the window asked us a few questions and then gave us our Visa so that Sammy could officially come home with us!

We then went to the Hilton to get some American dollars and took our first family photo! 

Then we loaded back in the van and returned Sammy to the orphanage.  I changed him back into his pink clothes so that the nannies wouldn't be offended by my changing of his clothes.  We returned him to his room and the nannies were elated to see him again.  Remember...they still hated us! :)  Then, we went back to the guesthouse to get ready for our big dinner out on the town.  They took us to a touristy-restaurant with Ethiopian food and "traditional" dancing (think: visiting Benihana for dinner if you were visiting Japan).  It was fun!

Here's our first family photo.
It's hard to believe that that scared little boy is the same Sammy that I know today!

Tomorrow: Goodbye ceremony and our first night as a family.

One year ago today we woke up on a Monday and went to the orphanage to spend a couple of hours with Sammy in the orphanage.  Nick had picked up a bug in Hossana and was SICK in bed (really sick...scary sick), so it was just Brad, Sandy, Ash and myself. 

We figured out at this point that Liranso was the nanny's favorite baby and that they hated us for taking him away from them.  Although I'm sure that they were happy for us on a cerebral level, the nannies were very young and you could see the anguish in their eyes at the thought of losing their little guy.  Liranso had been slow to gain weight and so had been there 6 months by the time that we met him.  The orphanage is divided into little rooms of about 10 babies each and the nannies are assigned to the same room each shift.  This is an excellent policy because it allows the children to attach to the few nannies that take care of them.  However, if you've been sharing your love and patience with a little guy for 6 months...and that little boy just so happens to be charismatic and adorable...then it's really hard to say goodbye.  I understood...but it was still hard to feel their anguish while I was so joyful. 

We went back to the guesthouse for lunch and then were able to return that day for another short visit.

More tomorrow.

One year ago today we awoke one day after meeting our son...AT 4 IN THE MORNING...and made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for our trip to Sammy's hometown, Hossana!  Our driver was really cool and wanted to know all sorts of things about the U.S.  He called my Dad "Bread," learned about the many interesting social groups within this great country* and was even willing to stop and get us Boona (coffee) after I'd asked for the 3,000th time. 

We arrived in Hossana after a 5-hour drive and were able to meet some very important people in Sammy's life and visit the first orphanage that he stayed in.  I got to use my first "hole-in-the-ground-with-lots-of-flies" toilet and see how an entire village of people can live without many of the things that we consider standard.  Hossana is very rural...very few people have electricity and very few people have cars.  The roads are dust...and mostly for walking. 

The drive out of Addis was amazing.  The scenery was beautiful!  Hossana is a very poor village...and visiting it really helped me to understand how people can are forced into choosing adoption for their children because of the extreme poverty surrounding them!  The pictures are below...and later you'll learn more about my plans to hold a fundraiser in July to raise money to support the women and families of Hossana in becoming entrepreneurs.

We piled back in the car for our trip back to the guesthouse, eager to see Sammy again the next day.

*Note: We drove by many men holding hands in the villages that we passed.  I innocently asked the driver if some of these men were gay.  Ummmm...that was really awkward.  It turns out that our dear driver claimed that he'd never heard of this thing called homosexuality.  He then spent the rest of the drive asking follow-up questions...like...do gay people work in the U.S.?  Being raised in Northern California...I was unprepared for his shock.  I'll remember not to bring that one up next time.

One year ago, I woke up in Addis Ababa and realized that my life was never going to be the same again.  We met my parents and Nick's Sis downstairs for breakfast and anxiously ate while waiting for the van to come to take us to the orphanage to meet Sammy for the first time.  I was SO NERVOUS...nervous about the sheer magnitude of the event (I often have large-event anxiety)...about the fact that we had a rather large audience and a video crew taping our every reaction, nervous that I wouldn't recognize my precious child once confronted with babies in 10 other cribs, nervous that I would completely lose it and scare him half to death, nervous that I could never be a good enough Mom for him, etc.  SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NERVOUS! 

After breakfast, I felt short of breath and headed upstairs to work through my anxiety without an audience to make it worse.  I had brought my IPOD shuffle on the trip, loaded with my usual workout tunes (about 50 songs...mostly hip hop) and decided to turn it on to offer myself a distraction from my anxiety.  I was shocked to find (and this is a completely true story) that my sweet little IPOD had been struck by a virus (for the 10th time) and was only willing to play a few songs.  So, instead of hearing my Kanye West faves, I got to choose between several Christian songs and one hip hop song (which I don't even remember).  I quickly reviewed my options (I think it was three songs total) and decided that Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel" fit my situation perfectly.  I am constantly amazed at how God uses music to help me to re-center (ie--the day of my wedding...I was a COMPLETE WRECK of nerves and got into my car after my hair appointment--short of breath again--and heard U2's "It's a Beautiful Day"--you know the song that goes "It's a beautiful day...don't let it slip away...").  In this case, I was brought to tears as I listened to Carrie sing:

"... Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
'Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel..."

Anyway...I was so grateful and praised God for the reminder that I needed to just "let go and let God!"  I had been brought to my knees as a control freak during our infertility and had committed myself to learning the lesson that, duh, I was not the controller of the universe!  So...here I was, facing Motherhood and terrified of all of the things that I couldn't control...and was graciously reminded that, with Motherhood in particular, I CAN'T DO THIS ON MY OWN and really shouldn't even try unless I want to spend the next 18+ years having a recurring anxiety attack.  I thanked God for yet another opportunity for me to learn this crucial lesson, turned the IPOD off and headed downstairs...cool, calm and collected and ready to begin this new chapter of my life!

The social worker came and gave us our instruction manual.  My Mom always told us when we were young that she was doing her best and that there "was no instruction manual for raising kids," but what she didn't know was that when you adopt from CHSFS Ethiopia, you DO get an instruction manual!  The nannies, doctors and social workers had told us all of his likes, dislikes, schedules, personality quirks, etc. and we headed to the orphanage, armed with our "How to Raise Sammy" manual. 

Then they made us stop at the office and I thought I'd go crazy with desire to meet my little boy!

So, we finally made it to the orphanage, were told to take off our shoes, shown to his room and then...the nannies just looked at us!  I WAS worried that, without their guidance, I would rush over and pick up the wrong child ON VIDEO...but, I found him right away and picked him up and just like that, we were a family!  I had pictured this moment a million times and always envisioned myself being in hysterics, but I wasn't.  I had tears in my eyes, but felt joy flood over me and just didn't even want to cry.  It's such a profound moment...most likely the enormity of the moment left me just a little emotionally overwhelmed.  Nick and I cooed over our sweet Liranso and eventually allowed Grammy, Papa and Auntie Ash to see him (no holding yet...sorry).  We have the whole thing on video, so please ask to see it next time you're over...it's such a sweet remembrance of the first moment of our family-life. 

The significance of this day is not lost on me.  I rejoice in what Nick and I gained in a son...and I mourn for what Sammy lost in his first family and his birth country.  When you adopt, people always talk about how lucky your adopted child is.  I understand this reasoning, but I feel that I need to educate you all about the reality of the situation (what every adoptive parent knows and may not tell you).  For Nick and I, Sammy is a dream come true...an answered prayer.  For Sammy...well, he did need parents and I think that we are doing a pretty good job.  But, his status as an orphan was not his fault and was not of his choosing.  I don't know of anyone who would choose to live a life in which you never know the woman who carried you in her womb for 9 months.  I can't imagine anyone choosing not to know where they got their nose...or their receding hairline...or their love of music.  I believe that Sammy will love us and trust that we did the best that we knew how...but his losses are immeasurable.  I believe that it is faulty logic to say how blessed Sammy is.  I believe that most Americans view our country as the ideal place to grow up...but Ethiopia is an amazing country and it's heritage is full of pride and wisdom.  I was struck by the people of Ethiopia and how the pervasive poverty leads to a culture with better family values than any Conservative in the US could imagine.  Ethiopians are proud, they love God and they rejoice in the things that actually matter in life.  They are able to live life without material obsessions and I mourn that Sammy will be raised without many of these values.  Although we plan to visit frequently, I view it as another loss for Sammy that he will only know his birth country as a tourist...an outsider looking in.  We love him more than we ever could have imagined, but his Adoption Day is bitter-sweet for me...as I imagine it will be for him someday.

We got to spend about one hour with him that day.  It was sometime during this hour that I realized that the Nannies hated us...but more about that later.  :)  It was a wonderful hour.  I think I recall that they taught us how to feed him solids (something green...I'm guessing in the pea family).  We were then told that he needed to rest and we were sent away, not to see him for 2 more days.  I was actually relieved to leave.  I NEVER would have predicted that response, but I was DRAINED and couldn't wait to go back and take one of the last uninterrupted naps that I figured I'd be taking for many years. 

I've decided that, since I wasn't blogging or emailing during our time in Ethiopia, I'd re-live our trip to Ethiopia for you all the next 7 days so that you might have a better sense of how our family came together.  Tomorrow: Our trip to Hossanna!

We love you Sammy...and we praise God that you Adoption Day finally came on Cinco de Mayo, 2007!  Thank you for making us a family.  Love, ma-ma and DA-da (to use Sammy's language of the moment)

Sammy's new favorite past-time is to be pushed around the house in his blue toy bin...although he likes the laundry basket too.  You'll often try to ignore his please because it's hard on your back and find him sitting in the blue bin with his arms outstretched and a pitiful look on his face if you try to put off the festivities.  So...here's a video of Daddy pushing him around the house...but please note that Mommy actually invented the game and does most of the pushing in any given day! :)  You'll hear Mr. Jinx's high-pitched yelping the background.  He HATES the game and apparently thinks that we are self-destructive idiots trying to kill our most-beloved little boy.  He follows Sammy around while the game is going on and tries to pull on Sammy's sleeves to get him out of the bin.  This follows a long tradition of Mr. Jinx thinking that we are stupid idiots...he also has a full-time job in hot weather to stand at the front door and bark at every piece of dust that flies by.  Our trainer explained that he is over-compensating for what he believes to be a mortal failure on our part of keeping the house locked up...even in 90 degree weather!   Sorry Mr. Jinx...we'll try harder to make you proud of us. :(

And here are a few more pictures that show off what we are up to everday:

Sammy being held by Asnake, the director of the entire Ethiopian adoption program for our agency:
Although parents are practically arrested these days for allowing their toddlers to watch TV, we do allow him to watch videos when he's irritable and Mommy needs a break (gasp!).   Here's Sammy in his usual "I'm watching my video...don't bother me" pose: And Sammy riding his horse for the first time (we've had it since Christmas!):
And, last but not least, here's Sammy in nothing but his diaper!  My Mom (Grammy) set up a sprinkler which is usually a big hit for the Sam Man, but he ran through it once, headed for the door and announced that he was "All Done!"  If there's one thing I can count on...it's that Sammy has firm boundaries! :)